


Blood in the Waves

by Kuro-tan (dSuzuha)



Series: Blood in the Waves [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Crossdressing, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-14 11:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5741137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dSuzuha/pseuds/Kuro-tan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shizuo meets a woman with sharp crimson eyes and a playful smile. He falls in love with her with each passing day.</p><p>Those around the couple can only watch hopelessly as the relationship falls apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Genderfluid!Izaya.
> 
> What does it mean to be genderfluid? It basically means that the person, at any time, may identify as male, female or any other non-binary gender. When they identify as that particular gender, they will dress and act the part.
> 
> In Izaya's case, he switches between male and female. When he identifies as male, he uses male pronouns and dresses like canon!Izaya. When she identifies as female, she uses the name Kanra, responds to female pronouns and dresses in female clothing. I imagine she leaves the jacket behind to avoid being recognized.
> 
> But hey! Don't genderfluid people feel both male and female or neither at times? Yes, I will go into that in later chapters, but just for your information Izaya still goes by Izaya and dresses in his canon clothing. I am well aware that the -ya suffix is very masculine, but there's a reason for that, I swear. Besides, his fashion looks kinda androgynous to me. I mean, a plain black tee and black pants? Really? You literally could not choose simpler clothes, Izaya.
> 
> Title is from Irresistible by Fall Out Boy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming in unannounced, drag my nails on the tile.
> 
> I just followed your scent, you can't just follow my smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can hear protests. "Hey, you still have Unravel!" Yes, I know, but I've finished plotting Unravel, epilogue and three/four part sequel and possible (but unlikely) oneshot PwithP paralysis!buttsecks and all. I just need to wait for... inspiration. Yeah. Let's go with that.

When Izaya was fourteen and his sisters were five, he took them out shopping for clothes. Winter was setting in and the twins were outgrowing their down jackets and fur lined boots, so it was Izaya's responsibility to make sure his sisters did not freeze to death.

While he picked children's clothes out of the rack, the twins busied themselves with clothes for their beloved Iza-nii. Since Izaya was picking out female clothing for them, their young minds processed that Izaya needed the same clothing as them. Mairu hoisted Kururi up and they pulled out a very feminine coat.

"Iza-nii, wear this!" Mairu exclaimed. Kururi nodded in agreement.

Izaya looked at the coat and sighed. It was in his size, but the problem was that the coat was meant to show off feminine curves under layers of clothing. He did not have any feminine curves. He was not even female. "No, we're not buying this," Izaya replied, putting the article of clothing back on the rack. Mairu pouted but he paid it no mind. 

A week later, the twins bought their brother a dark gray pleated skirt, plain black thigh high socks and black dress boots. It was meant as a joke, Izaya knew, but something inside him wanted to know how it felt like to wear them. The more he looked at his gifts, the more he felt the urge to crossdress. It was just curiosity, right? No harm in trying once.

When his sisters were tucked into bed, Izaya immediately got to work. He pulled off his pants and put on the skirt. They hung loosely on his hipbones, and if Izaya moved it slipped a little. To remedy that, Izaya took his discarded belt and looped it around his waist to secure the skirt. He frowned. His boxers were too long, they peeked out from the underside of his skirt. Since Izaya did not own any briefs, he could only take off his boxers and go without underwear.

Next were the thigh high socks. Those were easy to slip on, like normal socks, except they went up where his boxers would have been. It felt weird, especially since Izaya was vividly aware that he was not wearing underwear.

The boots were the hardest to put on. They were a mess of clasps and buckles, and Izaya wondered how girls dressed up on a daily basis until he found a hidden zipper along the side of the boots. He sighed in relief and put them on.

But when Izaya tried to stand up, he lost his balance and fell. For some reason, his sisters had given him heeled boots. While Izaya had a relatively good sense of balance that only improved with each parkour training session he forced himself into, heels were a different matter. The heels were only two inches high but it shifted Izaya's centre off balance. It took him a good five minutes to remain standing and steady his balance.

Izaya wobbled over to the full length mirror in his room and took a good, long look at himself. His hair was definitely not in a feminine style, but his long sleeved red shirt made him look almost delicate. No, it was the way he stood. Shoulders curled in a little, one hand tugging down the skirt and the other curled into a fist at his collar. Fuck, wearing female clothes was making him feminine. 

But as strange as Izaya looked in female clothes, he did not feel awkward. In fact, the more he looked at himself, the more he started to feel female. He wanted to wear more skirts and dresses, he wanted to be referred to as a female and act like one. He wanted breasts and wider hips to fit into female clothes better. He wanted long hair to go down to his shoulders and feel the weight of it at the back of his neck.

"Nii-san."

Izaya turned his head sharply towards the door. The twins were peeking in, eyes wide with curiosity. It sunk in that his sisters had seen him. They saw him crossdressing. His chest got heavier by the second. How was he going to explain this to them?

"Iza-nii, here." Mairu handed Izaya the object she was holding. A wig, Izaya realized. "Put this on. You'll look more like a girl."

Dazed, Izaya took the wig from Mairu. He looked at it absently. It was a simple black wig, one that matched his hair color perfectly. There was nothing fancy about the wig, it was just straight, long hair, but the wig itself looked natural. The cap beneath the wig fit Izaya perfectly, the hair settling just below his shoulders and tickling his eyebrows.

"Pretty," Kururi agreed.

Izaya looked at himself in the mirror again. The wig framed his face and made his jawline look less masculine but no less prominent. The sideswept bangs brought out his crimson eyes. Overall, he did look really pretty. If he had some semblance of breasts, he might actually pass as female.

No. No, no, no. Why was he thinking of passing as female for real? Izaya was a male, he had a penis and his voice was low. He had already had his growth spurt and surpassed the average female height. His shoulders would broaden and he would put on more muscle as the years passed, giving him a more masculine look. No amount of wigs or skirts could change the fact that he was biologically male.

Izaya swallowed, watching as his Adam's apple bobbed in the mirror. This was wrong. Crossdressing was wrong, and feeling good while he did was even worse. He was an abomination, a monster. What would people think if they saw him like that? What would Nakura think when a girl claiming to be Izaya pranced up to him and gave him his next task? Would Shinra still remain his friend if he knew that Izaya crossdressed and liked it? What about his parents? They were coming back for Christmas in a few weeks' time, what if they found out?

"Iza-nii, what's wrong?" Mairu asked. "I think you look great!"

That's right. He was 'nii-san' to the twins. Brother, not sister. What kind of example was he setting for them? Trying on female clothing was the same as telling them that it was alright to do so for males. Then again, Izaya was not the best brother out there. He already fucked up their lives by telling them they were two halves of a whole and not separate people. It was not a surprise he fucked up again.

A sudden urge to run gripped Izaya. He wanted to get away, away from the twins, away from everyone. Izaya pulled the door open and shoved Kururi out of the way, making his way down the stairs and out of the house. He ran and ran, tripping over his feet a few times but always getting up to move forward.

Eventually, Izaya ran out of breath, dropping to his knees and panting hard. He faintly registered that he was still wearing a wig and a skirt and thigh high socks, but none of that mattered now. Even if he took off all the clothes and burnt them, the urge to crossdress would remain. He was tainted, filthy on the inside. No matter how much muscle he put on or how much more his voice deepened, there would still be the part of him that wanted to be female. No, a part of him was already female. He just refused to acknowledge it.

Izaya shivered. Temperatures were starting to drop at this time of the year, and Izaya did not dress properly before leaving the house. He was now very aware of the cool breeze that ruffled under his skirt, reminding him of the discarded boxers back in his room. He picked himself up slowly, ignoring his bleeding shins and trembling fingers. He needed to get home and apologize to the twins, mostly Kururi for pushing her. He would change into his pyjamas and tuck the twins back into bed, forgetting that this incident ever happened.

He did not realize that someone was behind him until the person tapped him on the shoulder. Izaya whirled around, stunned, and was met with a level gaze.

"Are you alright?" The boy asked. He took off his school blazer and draped it around Izaya's shoulders. Izaya pulled the blazer in tighter, trying to draw warmth from it. "What happened? Did someone rob you? I can go beat them up and get your stuff back."

Izaya gave the boy a faint smile. "I'm fine, thank you," Izaya said softly, trying to mask the rich undertone of his voice.

If he heard it, the boy paid it no mind. "Want me to walk you home? It's not safe for girls to be out late."

"N-no, it's fine," Izaya stammered. "I can get back myself."

"If that's okay with you, er..."

"Kanra," Izaya blurted out. "My name is Kanra."

"Kanra-san." The boy smiled gently. "I'll call for a cab and stay with you till it comes. That okay with you?"

Izaya nodded, not trusting himself to speak. The boy took out his phone and dialled a taxi service, rattling off their location to the driver. Izaya took the chance to stumble to a nearby bench and sit down. He sighed in relief, letting his muscles relax and he slumped back into the hard seat. It was an exhausting night, and Izaya relished the chance to simply rest.

Izaya's mysterious benefactor was too perfect. He was very good looking, the streetlight illuminating his perfectly sculpted nose and his chiselled jawline. His hair was obviously bleached, but it still retained its softness and volume. But the clincher was his eyes. His eyes were an ordinary flat brown, but the sincerity behind it had Izaya truly entranced.

This guy genuinely did not realize that Izaya could be faking his weakness to wait for a chance to strike. He saw a person in need and decided to help instead of considering the danger to himself. He was probably the kind of person who faced his problems head on, brushing off trials and tribulations, blazing a path to the finishing line regardless of the pain it caused him.

He was handsome, honest to a fault and very comfortable in his own body. He was everything Izaya wasn't. Izaya's first instinct was to hate him.

When the boy was done with his phone call, he plonked himself beside Izaya. They sat in silence for a while before the boy decided to speak up. "So, uh, how old are you?"

"Third year of junior high." Izaya neglected telling him that he skipped a grade in elementary school. It only ever earned him scorn from the older students. "You?"

"Same. I'm probably going to Raijin Academy. I'm not smart, but my friend's gonna help me study for the entrance exam."

"I want to go to Raijin too," Izaya revealed. "My friend is planning on going there."

It had not even been a few minutes and Izaya already hated the guy. But he was also revealing personal information to this complete stranger. Maybe it was the slight personality shift from pretending to be a girl, but it was still no reason to slip up and be careless. What if this guy found out about Izaya's real identity? His reputation would be ruined and his high school life would be hell.

"That's good. Maybe we'll see each other there." The boy took Izaya's hands into his and rubbed them together. "You're cold, Kanra-san. Sure you're alright?" As he said that, he pulled 'Kanra' closer to him by the waist. Izaya's breath hitched and he blushed furiously. As much as he hated feeling weak, the boy was like a living heater. To Izaya, who was deathly afraid of the cold, it was heaven. He buried himself closer to the boy's chest _(for warmth, it's only for warmth)_ and sighed, letting the masculine scent of musk and sweat wash over him. 

"What are you doing out at night?" Izaya asked. 

"Taking a walk. Needed to think." The boy shifted uncomfortably before adding, "I beat up a bunch of people and caused trouble for my family again."

That explained why the boy was so comfortable walking the streets of Ikebukuro at night. "Oh? You helped me, a complete stranger. I don't think you're the kind of person to do such a thing."

The boy laughed bitterly. "When I get angry I just, y'know. Lose control."

"But that wouldn't be you. That's just the monster in you." Just like the monster in Izaya which took the form of a girl. "You're different from it. All you have to do is put it under control." At this point, Izaya was not sure if he was comforting himself or the boy, but he knew that his words had an effect on the both of them.

The boy relaxed visibly, the hand not looped around Izaya's waist reaching out to tustle Izaya's hair. He stiffened, fearing that the wig would be dislodged, but surprisingly the wig did not budge an inch. "You're the first person who acknowledged my temper as horrifying, but at the same time you don't fear me. Is it because you've never seen my strength in action? That you don't know me fully, monster and all?"

Izaya wanted to tell the boy about his real gender, to see how he reacted to the fact that 'Kanra' was really a male. But if this guy could take down multiple people at the same time, he was not going to face him head on without his switchblade. So he held his tongue and listened.

"I just, I dunno. I wanna be the kind of guy my little brother can look up to, but when I'm beating up people left and right, how can I be a good example? The monster's a part of me, nothing's gonna separate us because we are one and the same. It isn't that easy controlling it, but I've sorta accepted that it's a part of me. I guess that's progress?" 

A taxi pulled up on the road in front of them. "Ah, sorry. I've rambled on long enough. That's your ride." When Izaya stumbled over his heels, the boy caught Izaya before he fell and helped him to the taxi. When Izaya was seated in the taxi, some money in his hand for the ride back home, the boy waved. "Bye then. See you at Raijin next year!" The door was shut and the taxi drove off.

Only in the middle of the ride did Izaya realize that he did he get the boy's name, nor did he return the blazer still draped around his shoulders.

* * *

When Izaya got back home, he calmed his sobbing sisters and apologized to them. He tucked them into bed for the second time that night and changed into his pyjamas himself. He dumped all the clothes into a pile at the side, not bothering to fold them like he usually did, and threw himself on the bed.

The only article of clothing he still held from before was the blazer. Izaya curled up around the blazer and thought about the boy's words.

_"The monster's a part of me, nothing's gonna separate us because we are one and the same."_

Did that mean that Izaya's 'monster' was also a part of him? Was there nothing he could do to get rid of it? 

Lulled into an uneasy sleep, Izaya dreamed about meeting the mysterious boy as Kanra again.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do I know so much about crossdressing? The story involves hazing rituals, a crowd, lots of laughter and sadism. The sadism came from me. I'll let your imaginations run wild.
> 
> How do I know so much about gender dysphoria? I don't. The most gender dysphoria I've experienced was when some guy hit on me then declared he was gay. It was a confusing day for both of us.
> 
> Jokes aside, I honestly don't know shit about gender dysphoria. Nope. Not a single thing. Just because I read a lot about it in preparation for the fic and chatted with some people on the internet to get a better idea of it (thanks so much Mi!) doesn't make me an expert. I know, but I do not understand. I don't think I'll ever understand. I am biologically female and am content with it. I will never know what it is like to feel uncomfortable with my gender.
> 
> I'm gonna get flamed for this, I know it. For misrepresenting the characters (in my defence, I really tried doing research about gender dysphoria) or using such a serious topic as a plot point (in my defence, suicide is no less serious but is a more popular trope in fanfictions) or by some trolls saying insulting stuff or some crap like that.
> 
> But it's alright. I'm already going to hell.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of your flaws are aligned with this mood of mine.
> 
> Cutting me to the bone, nothing left to leave behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone see the misupload? Hahahahaha...
> 
> What are consistent word counts? They do not exist in the realm of my fics.
> 
> Anyway, this isn't going to be the monster Unravel is. I've learnt my lesson (sob). I've calculated and this is going to be less than 50k words! (I hope.) Though I do have an idea for a PwithP mini sequel which is probably about 5k words. Ah, screw it. As long as it's way less than Unravel, I'm happy.
> 
> Also, this chapter is (mostly) the reason this fic is rated M. If you're squeamish about penises, please leave. (Though most people on the Shizaya tag love some hard buttsex so I don't think it's gonna be a problem? No, there's no buttsex here. At least, not _yet_.)

Most students felt relieved when school finally let out for winter break. Kanra, on the other hand, was apprehensive.

Her parents were coming back to Japan. They were staying for Christmas and leaving after school started, leaving Kanra with three weeks of hiding her existence. It was bad enough that she had to pretend to be Izaya when she went to school, but now she had to hide her gender twenty four seven. Or, at least, on days when she identified as a female.

Kanra knew that logically, her parents would not be accepting. Most people in Japan were not accepting. People were friendly and nice, but there was still some things that were set in stone and gender roles was one of them. Males brought money back, females cooked, cleaned and took care of any children. Males were supposed to be tough and strong, females were supposed to be soft and demure. Kanra, who was biologically male, was expected to be the former. And when she identified as male she was, but it was a different story on days she identified as female. It went beyond wearing clothes of the opposite gender, it encompassed her very being.

The twins instinctively knew when she switched gender identities. They called her by the name that suited her gender identity at that moment, making her feel more comfortable in her body. She still had to be called Izaya and act like a guy in school on days she wanted to be treated female, but coming home to the twins calling her 'Kanra-nee' made her feel better about herself. It reassured her that switching gender identities was accepted, that it was alright for her to do so.

Today, however, was a different matter. The moment Kanra opened the door, she knew that something was wrong. The twins were fidgeting anxiously, shifting their feet nervously and flickering their gazes from one point to another. "Welcome home," Mairu muttered as she opened the door. Kanra immediately understood why.

"Izaya, we're back!" Orihara Shirou greeted from the living room. "We decided to surprise you kids, so we booked an early flight back."

"Look at your uniform!" Orihara Kyouko fussed. "I know you'll be moving on to high school where you'll have to wear another uniform, but you need to get another set! It's too small for you."

"Is that so," Kanra smiled weakly. "Sorry, I'm not feeling well. I'll excuse myself now."

She really was not feeling well. Knowing that she had to face her parents now made her stomach churn and her chest tighten. Kanra thought she had a few days to prepare herself for the three week nightmare, and now they were here, on a day when she wanted to go for one last shopping binge to calm her heart.

When she entered her room, Kanra dropped her bag to the floor and sighed. She shut the door behind her and flopped to her bed. It was just three weeks until they were gone. She could deal with them until then.

* * *

 

The next day, Kanra woke up dreading the day with her parents. She did not want to face them because she was still not mentally prepared. Even though she knew she had to face them someday, she still wanted to have some time for herself. 

Kanra hated looking at herself in the mirror before she got dressed. But she had to, because there was a ritual she needed to conduct before she left the house. After she went to the toilet and showered, she remained unclothed and stood in front of the full length mirror. It was cold even with the heaters on full blast, but Kanra told herself it was a necessary evil.

There it was, hanging in its full glory. When Kanra identified as male, she was extremely proud of its above average length and girth. Now, she just wanted it to shrink and disappear. If she could chop it off she would, but she knew that when she went back to identifying as male she would regret it. 

This was the worst part about everything. If Kanra stuck to one gender, it would be fine because she could make any permanent modifications to her body and not have to worry about regretting it the next day. But she switched constantly, waking up feeling male one day and female on another day. If by chance she did get rid of her penis, she would regret it when she switched to male. 

There was just something about having to look at that piece of flesh in the mirror on a Kanra-day. It was disgusting, that thing hanging between her legs. It did not belong on a female body, but Kanra had to remind herself that no matter how much she wished, she had male anatomy and that would not change forever. Taping it felt like she was hiding it away where she could not see it. For that moment, she could pretend it did not exist.

Although it was winter and all her clothes hid her bulge, Kanra would have to practice taping herself for summer wear. She decided to start sooner so that even if she made a mistake, it would not be that obvious. Practice made perfect, right?

From the top of her dresser, she took a roll of medical tape. When she first started doing this, she made the mistake of using duct tape without shaving beforehand. The tape stuck to her pubic hair, and when she tried to peel it off she peeled off a bit of her foreskin as well. It hurt like hell, but she continued tucking anyway because she wanted to hide it away, at least for the day.

Kanra stuck the loose end of the roll to a little above her crotch, then dragged it down so that it ran down the upper side of her penis. She left a good few inches hanging before ripping the tape, severing it. Then, she took a much shorter piece of tape and ran it around her girth to secure the first piece of tape.

Now came the hard part. Kanra used one hand to hold her penis by its tape and the other to reach under and cup her balls. Slowly, she pushed her balls back up into her body. Once they were completely in, she quickly pressed the tape in the cleft of her ass to secure both her penis and balls. To make sure that everything stayed secure, she used two strips of the same length and taped them parallel to the tape on her penis to hold everything in place.

Quickly, Kanra slipped on a tight pair of briefs. She sighed as she put them on, relieved that she would no longer have to look at herself in the mirror. Her flat chest, abdominal muscles, Adam's apple, those were not things that belonged on a girl. The further she could get away from that image, the better.

Since Kanra's parents were downstairs, she decided to pack a change of clothes in her bag and go out looking like a guy. 

"Going out, Izaya?" Kyouko asked. 

Kanra nodded, twitching slightly at the masculinity of the name Izaya. At every turn, she had to be reminded that she was not truly female. "I made plans with my friend," Kanra lied smoothly. "Sorry, Mother."

"Have a safe trip!" Kyouko called as Kanra pushed open the door.

Kanra made her way to a small shopping centre a few minutes away from home and ducked into the handicapped toilet, making sure no one saw her enter. She hung her bag on the wall and rummaged through it. The only things she brought were her wig, a scarf and another jacket that looked more feminine than the one she wore out of the house. She hoped it would do.

Taking off the jacket, Kanra was left with only her red long sleeved shirt and skinny jeans that outlined the curves of her ass. She quickly put on the other jacket before she started shivering. Next, Kanra put on the wig, using the mirror to make sure that the wig was on straight. Lastly, she wrapped the scarf around her neck, making sure to cover her Adam's apple.

When everything was in place, Kanra exited the toilet cautiously. She opened the door slowly, peeking out to make sure that nobody would see her leave before she actually left. Using the handicapped toilet only raised questions she did not want to answer.

The change of clothes already made Kanra feel more confident in herself. She exited the building and skipped along the streets of Ikebukuro, outwardly nonchalant about the attention paid to her but feeling nervous inside. Most people who looked at her did not give her a second glance, so she gained more confidence along the way. That was, until a group of guys passed by.

"What a flat chest," one sniggered.

"Got a pretty face though," another added, eyeing Kanra's ass. "I'd totally bang that."

"I like mine with actual boobs, thanks," the last guy drawled.

Kanra paused. She stopped walking, watching as the group of three guys walked past. She brought a hand to her chest and felt it discreetly. The guys were right, she was flat as a board. Some girls were the same, so did it matter if she had breasts?

Or... did they know?

Kanra swallowed. Maybe if she bought a small bra and stuffed it with tissue or something, it would make her look more like a girl. Then beget the question; how was she going to buy a bra in the first place? Was she just going to walk in and ask for assistance? That would work, but only if the sales assistant did not realize her true gender.

Feeling a little disheartened, Kanra trodded forward. She had a bit of money on her, but she honestly had no idea how much bras costed. What if they were expensive and she could not afford it? Maybe she could check the price today and come back some other time if it was too expensive.

The lingerie store was not hard to find, even though it did not make an effort to stand out. It was located in an obscure corner of Sunshine 60, hidden away from the hustle and bustle of the crowd. Kanra ducked in before she chickened out. 

"Welcome!" The store attendant greeted. To Kanra's surprise, it was a middle aged woman who looked more like a housewife than someone who sold bras for a living. "What are you looking for?"

"Er." Kanra looked around, momentarily shocked at the large selection. Full cup, half cup, plunge line, different terminology that Kanra did not understand in the slightest. So many colours, some bright and patterned, some laced and sultry, some a plain beige. Some came in a set with a pair of panties, some did not even have straps. How was she supposed to choose?

The store attendant - Kurahashi Megumi, her name tag said - hummed lightly. "You should come with your mother. She'll know what to do."

Even though it was a relatively harmless remark, it stung. It was another reminder that no matter how much Kanra tried, she was not a normal girl. Her mother would never accept her if she found out. "My parents are always overseas," Kanra told her, "and I just want- I mean..." Kanra bit her lip, not sure how to continue.

Kurahashi smiled softly. "I understand. I need to measure your sizes, so would you please take off your jacket?"

While Kurahashi went to get a measuring tape, Kanra shrugged off her jacket. The tape felt weird looped around her chest, but it was only for a few seconds before it was moved away. Kurahashi took a plain beige bra from the shelves and handed it to Kanra. "The changing room's over there," she said, pointing at the thick curtain. Kanra bowed slightly and retreated into the dressing room.

Kanra lifted up the bra, examining it in the mirror. She knew her arms went through the holes, but how did people buckle it up at the back? There was only one way to find out. She took off her shirt and threaded her arms through, letting the straps rest on her shoulders. She then twisted her arms backwards to try and hook everything together, but she fumbled a lot. Eventually, more through luck than effort, the hook went in.

"Come out and I'll see if it fits properly."

There was no way Kanra could do that. Dressed in the right clothes, with a wig adorned, Kanra could pass as female. But if she took off her top and showed off her abdominal muscles and the broadness of her shoulders, there was no way Kurahashi would not notice. "It's fine," Kanra called, desperation bleeding into her voice. 

"I know you're a boy," Kurahashi said.

Kanra's heart seized up. Of course she had noticed, the woman had taken her measurements. It would be strange for her to not notice. If Kurahashi knew, how many others noticed as well? How many people had she walked past getting here? Those three guys seemed to know, but they were the only ones who were openly vocal about it. Did the others keep their mouths shut because they were too kind, or because they were too disgusted to voice their opinions?

As if reading Kanra's mind, Kurahashi replied, "I've worked here for ten years. You're not the first male to buy things from here."

"Y-you mean, there are others?"

"Yes." Kurahashi sighed. "I don't understand why people like you do such things. You said your parents were always absent?"

"It has nothing to do with them," Kanra hissed, her voice lapsing back into its rich baritone for a moment. "In fact, why do you care? I raise your sales quota, you sell me the b-bra." Her voice wavered and cracked as if she was going through puberty again, but in reality it was the tightness in her throat that prevented her from speaking properly. She tried to continue her rant, but when she opened her mouth her voice would not come out. Instead, tears brimmed in her eyes and threatened to fall out.

Left in nothing but her pants and a bra that was not hers, trapped in a tiny room between a mirror that outlined all her masculine flaws and a stranger who saw through her at first glance, Kanra panicked. She pulled on her shirt haphazardly and threw open the curtains, pushing past Kurahashi and gathering her things before fleeing.

No one should see her this weak. She ignored the weird looks she got  _(they know, they know, because in the end you're not who you want to be)_ and pushed through the crowd, doing all she could to hold back her tears.

It was only after she was far, far away from Sunshine 60 that she realized. "Ah, I didn't pay."

Kanra chuckled bitterly. A liar, a crossdresser, and now a thief. She really was disgusting.

* * *

 

On Christmas day, Izaya was relieved when he woke up identifying as male. If there was one thing he found out in the span of these few months, it was that he stuck to one gender for an entire day. It was a good thing because he could dress to suit his gender identity without worrying about changing his clothes in the middle of the day.

Izaya dealt with Kanra-days while his parents were around by leaving the house. He told them he was going to meet a friend and disappeared. On those days, he carried the bra he stole from Kurahashi's shop to Sunshine 60, trying to garner the courage to return it to her. He never did, at least not yet. Izaya swore he would do it one day.

But he had to spend the day with his family on Christmas and New Year. Just like he could not appear in school in a girl's uniform, he could not skip down the stairs wearing a skirt. He liked dressing up on Kanra-days and felt very uncomfortable in male clothing, so at least for today he would not have to actively hide who he was.

Izaya showered, changed and went down for breakfast. His parents were already at the table, his father reading the newspaper and his mother setting down plates of eggs and toast. "Good morning, Izaya," Kyouko greeted.

"Good morning," Shirou said absently, engrossed in reading today's news.

"Good morning, Father, Mother," Izaya replied, seating himself beside his father. He looked at his plate and sighed. His mother had somehow managed to put bits of tuna into his scrambled eggs, but even then he had no appetite. "Where are the twins?" he asked, trying to distract himself from his lack of desire to eat.

"They're under the Christmas tree, opening their presents," Kyouko answered. "I told them to wait till after breakfast, but they were quite insistent."

Izaya pushed himself off the table, the leg of his chair sliding across the floor with a horrible screech. "I'll go get them," he said. He stalked to the living room and crossed his arms, towering over the twins and pretending to look intimidating. To them, he probably did. "Breakfast is ready," he growled half-heartedly, wriggling his fingers in their faces. "And if you don't go and eat now, the tickle monster is going to attack!" As soon as Izaya said that, he lunged at them.

Mairu squeaked and pulled Kururi towards the kitchen. Izaya smirked. Mission accomplished.

Though his mother said that the twins were opening their presents, Izaya saw no signs of torn wrapping paper or strewn boxes. He bent down to examine the bottom of the Christmas tree, curious as to what his sisters were really doing. There were boxes with 'Father' and 'Mother' tagged on them, one of each with Izaya's own handwriting. Izaya never really knew what they liked, so he just bought some random crap that was on sale. He smiled when he saw the presents to be given to him.

Then, he saw it. A black box addressed to 'Kanra-nee', wrapped in a pretty pink ribbon.

Mortified, Izaya took the box and held it close to his chest, as if the action would hide it. Even at their age, they should know that crossdressing was wrong and shameful. It was something meant to be hidden, and even though Izaya was secretly grateful that they did not treat him differently for it he wished they had more common sense.

Izaya felt a pang of guilt stab his heart. Of course they did not know, they had him for a brother.

Hiding the box behind his back, Izaya made his way up the stairs. He had no doubt that the twins gifted 'Kanra-nee' with something incredibly girly. If he could hide the gift from his parents and open it in privacy, everything would be okay.

Just as he was about the ascend the stairs, the twins grabbed his legs, one on each side. "Iza-nii, that's unfair!" Mairu huffed, puffing her cheeks out comically. "You ask us to eat breakfast but run off with one of your gifts?"

"Hypocrite (nii-san is mean)," Kururi agreed softly.

Izaya twiched. "I'll open it later, just let me get this to my room."

"No! Since you're so eager to open your gift, you can open it right now!" Mairu insisted.

The twins were obviously not going to let this go until Izaya did. So he beckoned them up the stairs urging them to follow, but they refused to let go of his legs. "You know, if you don't let go, I can't walk up the stairs," Izaya sighed exasperatedly.

"That's because we want you to open it here!" Mairu whined. Kururi nodded in agreement.

There was always a risk that their parents would arrive at the scene and see whatever the twins had gifted him with, but Izaya knew that the longer he dragged it on the larger that risk grew. So he steeled himself and ripped open the box, hoping to get it over and done with.

As Izaya suspected, it was something extremely girly. His sisters had given him a dress, a black dress with frills and a light pink trim. It was long sleeved, perfect for wearing in the winter. The bow at the back of his waist would draw attention away from his broadening shoulders while its length would reach right down to Izaya's ankles, shielding him from the cold. In short, it was perfect.

"We documented all your clothes and realized that you like to wear black," Mairu declared proudly. Izaya rolled his eyes. "But Kanra likes cute things, so we decided to go with a bit of pink and some frills. Do you like it?"

"Yeah, yeah," Izaya said hastily, shoving the dress back in without folding it properly. He could iron it later. "Thanks."

Unfortunately, Izaya's mother had stumbled upon the scene and saw everything. "Why would you give your brother this?" Kyouko gaped.

Izaya's heart skipped a beat. This was it. His secret was going to be revealed. He was going to be disowned and thrown out without a second thought.

"Because it looks good on him!" Mairu replied innocently. 

"Mairu, Kururi, Izaya is a boy. He doesn't wear dresses," Kyouko explained patiently.

"He doesn't, but Kanra-nee does!"

Izaya's father, having heard the commotion, went to see what the fuss was about. "Who is Kanra?" he demanded. 

"Kanra-nee is what Iza-nii is called when he's female!" Mairu continued, oblivious to the growing tension between Izaya and their mother.

"Izaya, what's going on?" Kyouko pleaded.

His hands shook so badly that the box fell out of his grasp. The lid fell open and the dress along with it. Time froze in that instant, no one daring to even breathe.

"I- I can explain," Izaya tried to reason. But before he could get another word out of his mouth, he found himself gasping for air involuntarily. Izaya's father was not a stockily built man, but he was strong enough to lift his son by the neck with one hand. Izaya choked, clawing at the iron grip around his throat in a futile attempt to loosen it. 

Never in his fourteen years had his father used physical violence. The ache in his heart hurt more than the hand around his neck, blocking off his passage of air and threatening to kill him.

"Shirou!" Kyouko shrieked. "What are you doing? Let him go!"

His father tightened his grip. "We've neglected our parental duties for too long, Kyouko. We should have been here to discipline our son."

"This is not discipline! It's violence!"

It was getting harder to breathe. Izaya stopped struggling, his body trying but failing to conserve all the oxygen it had left. His hands fell limp by his side, his eyes glazing over. His hearing was getting muffled, but he could hear the pleas of his mother and sisters.

"Shirou, he's going to die!"

"Iza-nii! Dad, please stop!"

Izaya felt himself being flung down the stairs. He landed on his side, but his main concern was sucking in deep breaths of air. He wheezed, willing his deprived lungs to compensate for the lack of air.

"There will be no faggots in this house of mine," Shirou bellowed. He raised a fist, preparing to hit Izaya again, but his wife held him back.

"Shirou, that's our son!" Kyouko cried.

"I don't have a son," Shirou declared coldly. He shoved his wife out of the way, not even batting an eye as she slammed into the wall with a pained cry.

"Stop!" Izaya shouted, making everyone freeze. Behind his father, he could see the twins holding each other and shaking. His mother was holding the back of her head, and behind her the plaster of the wall cracked slightly under the force of being hit.

"Stop, I'll leave," Izaya managed weakly.

It was the best decision. The way this was going, Izaya's father would not only hit Izaya but also his mother and sisters. If making himself scarce would stop them from being hurt, it was what Izaya would do. After all, this was Izaya's sin and his sin alone. They did not need to suffer for something he did.

Shirou narrowed his eyes. "Wise decision," he spat. "Don't come back."

Since his father was blocking the way up the stairs and Izaya did not dare to ask for permission to gather his things, he got up shakily and staggered towards the door. His head was pounding and his vision was blurry, but he mustered enough strength to push it open and tumble out.

He glanced back one last time, the image forever burning itself into his mind. The twins, sobbing and holding each other for comfort. His mother, realizing what had happened a little too late, horror plastered over her features. And his father, head held high and disapproving glare cast at Izaya, gliding to the door and slamming it shut. 

Izaya stared at the closed door blankly. The first snowflakes began to fall, coating Izaya's hair and clothes in a layer of white. A snowflake landed on the tip of his nose, leaving a thin sheet of ice where it melted. Eventually, he got to his feet and moved on, leaving his childhood home behind.

* * *

Izaya staggered through the streets of Ikebukuro, avoiding the main roads hide his pathetic self from curious eyes. With nowhere to go, Izaya had no choice but to sleep on the streets last night. He took a rag from the dumpster and used it to make a cloak for himself, more for warding off the cold than anything else. 

As much as he could tolerate the hunger, Izaya hated the cold. As if the heavens were mocking him, it only started to snow when he got kicked out. He tried to stay indoors as much as possible, huddling near the heaters in shopping malls, but eventually the security guards chased him away.

After that, he considered going to Shinra's house. Then he remembered Shinra mentioning that his father would be home for the holidays instead of America where he worked. Izaya may not have been the one to stab Shinra, but he was the cause of it all the same. Shinra's father did not like Izaya, he made that much clear after the stabbing incident. Besides, who was Izaya to intrude on the Kishitani's family time? 

Last night, he stalked one of the bakeries in hopes that he could salvage the measly scraps they threw out. The part time worker who was in charge of throwing away the unsold bread did not see him hiding in the shadows, and the moment he left Izaya scrambled out of his hiding place to dig in. It was degrading and humiliating, eating leftovers out of a trash can, but Izaya supposed it was fitting since no one wanted him either.

This morning, Izaya woke up at the backdoor of the bakery. His first instinct was to find warmth. Going into any shop smelling like literal trash was a bad idea, but taking a bath was beyond what he could do right now. He decided to wander around aimlessly until he knew what to do.

Izaya's feet took him to Sunshine 60, to that little shop in a corner. He remembered that he had not returned what he stole, so he decided to walk into the shop to apologize before he died in the freezing winter. It was not much he could do to wash away his sins, but it was the only thing he could do now.

"Can I help you?" Kurahashi asked warily, eyeing him from head to toe. Apparently, she did not recognize him.

Izaya sucked in a deep breath and bowed deeply. "I'm sorry!" 

Kurahashi was taken aback. "Huh?"

Still lowering his head in a full ninety degree bow, Izaya continued, "I stole something from here, and I have no way to pay you back. Please accept my deepest apologies."

"Raise your head," Kurahashi said. Izaya did as he was told but regretted it instantly. The pity in her eyes was too much for Izaya to bear. To his surprise, however, she pulled him into a hug. He leaned into her touch unconsciously. "What happened?"

Izaya laughed bitterly. "My parents came back."

"And they kicked you out?" Kurahashi guessed. Izaya nodded sadly.

"I'm sorry for not returning it earlier," Izaya repeated.

Kurahashi pushed Izaya back but held on to his shoulders, looking at him in the eye. "I forgive you, alright? Now let's get you cleaned up. Are you hungry?"

Izaya nodded absently, but changed his mind and shook his head furiously. He did not want to impose on her. In fact, he had not even expected her to help. After what he did, he did not deserve her kindness.

It was strange. His parents had abandoned him, and yet a random stranger was willing to take him in without qualms, even though he had wronged her more than he had his own parents. Humans were indeed so unpredictable.

He watched as she closed the shop. A thought occured to Izaya. "Won't you get into trouble for closing early?"

Kurahashi snorted indignantly. "It's my shop. I do what I want." Indeed, the shop name was "Megumi's Tailor". Izaya mentally slapped himself for not noticing earlier.

The woman practically dragged Izaya out of Sunshine 60 and a few minutes away to her apartment in Sunshine City. "Shower's over there. I'll find you some clothes and cook up a meal. I hope you like saba because it was on sale," she said as soon as the door closed behind them.

"You don't have to do this for me, Kurahashi-san," Izaya protested.

"I want to," Kurahashi wriggled a finger in his face, chiding him. "And don't call me that, it makes me feel old. Megumi is fine." She pushed him into the toilet and shut the door. Left alone, Izaya decided to push his thoughts aside and shower first. The hot water that ran over his body felt divine, but since Izaya did not want to rack up Megumi's water bill he shut the tap as soon as he was clean.

He cracked open the door and found a pile of clothes sitting outside. He quickly grabbed them and shut the door. They were gender neutral clothes, a simple hoodie and sweatpants, and Izaya was grateful for it. Izaya wore his old boxers again, slipped on the clothes and washed his old clothes with water and some detergent. He wrung them out as much as he could and used the hair dryer to dry them, afraid that the cold weather would cause the wet clothes to freeze up.

Once he was sure that they were dry, Izaya stepped out of the bathroom and headed for the kitchen.

They ate in a comfortable silence. Izaya was afraid to ask for a second bowl of rice, but Megumi saw him looking at the empty rice bowl dejectedly and offered to fill it again.

"What's your name?" Megumi asked as she scooped more rice.

Since Izaya did not want to give his real name, he used his female name instead. "K-Kanra," he said, cursing himself for stumbling over his words. Saying that name felt so weird because he did not relate to it. In his current state of mind, he wanted nothing to do with it. It was proof of his status as a freak, something he never wanted to acknowledge but was forced to. "The 'kan' in sweet and 'ra' in music."

"Do you have a family name, Kanra-chan?"

Izaya winced at the feminine honorific. "My parents effectively disowned me," he pointed out. "I don't think they want me using their surname."

Megumi smiled brightly. "Then you can use mine! Kurahashi Kanra. It sounds nice, doesn't it?"

Izaya had to admit that it did have a nice ring to it. "Yeah, it does," Izaya admitted. Then he asked what had been on his mind since the woman hugged him back at the shop. "Why are you doing this for me?"

"I don't understand why you crossdress," Megumi admitted, "but whatever the case, you shouldn't have been thrown out. Even if you were bad or you did things that shouldn't be done, you didn't deserve it, Kanra-chan. You're just a child, and it was their fault for not teaching you right in the first place.

"If they were lucky enough to have children, they should treasure them, no matter how their children turn out." Megumi spat, her hand unconsciously reached towards her lower belly.

Izaya could not defend himself against the wave of disappointment crashing into him. In the end, humans always had an ulterior motive. Megumi was only using him to fill the hole in her heart, just like how Izaya only used her to get food and shelter.

But Izaya was different. He would prove better than all these humans. When night fell, Izaya insisted on sleeping on the couch. He did fall asleep for a few hours, but the moment he woke up he dressed himself in his old clothes on top of the ones Megumi lent him and slipped out.

* * *

Izaya spent the rest of the day in a daze, wandering from place to place. Despite the number of people in the crowd, he felt unattached to them. Rather, he felt like he should not be a part of the crowd. He was different, an abomination, and blending in was not what monsters did. Before Izaya knew it, the sky darkened and the streets filled with people again.

"Iza-nii!"

"Izaya?"

Two voices rang out in the night. Izaya stiffened when he recognized both of them. "M-Mother?" he called out.

"Are you alright? You've always been afraid of the cold, it must have been hard for you." She brought out a black, fur trimmed coat and draped Izaya with it. Izaya shivered and buried himself in the jacket. Despite wearing two layers of clothes on top of the rag he salvaged, Izaya was grateful for the extra warmth. "Let's go get some food. Is ootoro okay?"

Izaya's mouth watered at the thought of his favourite food. "Okay," he said, letting the twins cling to him on each side.

"We searched for you all day yesterday and today, Iza-nii," Mairu sobbed. "Where did you go?"

"Disappeared (we were worried)."

"Just wandered around," Izaya replied vaguely. Technically, it was the truth, he just left out a few details.

They stopped at the newly opened Russia Sushi which had some kind of opening sale. Izaya personally felt that they should have kept their business if the sushi was going to tremble in fear without him touching it. The others did not seem to notice the shivering sushi though, so Izaya assumed it was just his plate of sushi. He picked at his ootoro, nibbling it without much appetite. Despite not having eaten for the entire day, Izaya was not hungry. He ate a sushi or two before pushing it to the twins. They brightened up and gobbled everything.

Kyouko sighed, starting the serious conversation Izaya did not want to have. "Your father tried to get you written off the koseki. He didn't succeed, but he's serious."

"I know." Izaya laughed blithely. It did not take a genius to figure that out after he tossed Izaya around like a ragdoll.

"I'm sorry. I can't accept what you've become either."

Even though it was not a surprise, it still stung to hear it outright. "I... no, it's okay," Izaya fumbled, eyes flicking to the table. For a moment, he allowed himself to believe that his mother might have accepted him, but he should not have gotten his hopes up.

"We're leaving after the start of the new year. Your father changed the locks, so here are the new keys," she said, dangling the keys and dropping them into the palm of Izaya's hand.

Izaya stared at her. "I thought you said-"

"I know what I said. Maybe, if we spent more time around you instead of travelling overseas, you wouldn't have turned out like that."

It would not have mattered if they were overseas or not because Izaya would have turned out the same way anyway, but he was too relieved to care. Even though his mother had not truly accepted him, she and the twins showed that they cared and that was enough for Izaya. 

"Just four more days, Izaya. We'll rent a hotel room and let you stay there until then."

"Thank you, Mother," Izaya said sincerely. 

Mairu gave Izaya her entire backpack. "Clothes, Iza-nii. Some money's inside too." Izaya opened the bag and sifted through it. There were both female and male clothes, along with a bag of biscuits and a wallet filled with enough money to last for weeks.

"I hope you grow out of this phase soon," Kyouko said with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

It wasn't a phase, Izaya wanted to shout, but he bit his cheek and held himself back. His mother could have easily stepped back and let his father beat him. She could have left him on the streets and forgotten about her disappointment of a son. He should be grateful that she bothered to find him in the first place.

They exited Russia Sushi and walked to the hotel in silence. His mother checked in to an executive suite and made sure that everything was in place before leaving. Getting the twins to leave was harder, but Izaya's promise to be back after the new year convinced them to leave. They left, leaving Izaya alone again.

Alone in the hotel room, Izaya finally let himself break down. Laughter bubbled in Izaya's throat. He pulled his legs to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. Tears brimmed at his eyes, and he gave up holding them back after a while.

This was how it should be. Izaya was hated by everyone and treated with scorn by those who were forced to associate with him. His sisters only relied on him because they were children and were dependent on him. Shinra only associated with him because Celty asked him to make friends. Megumi wanted him to fill the role as her child. Everyone else, his classmates, his parents, they distanced themselves from him.

How did Izaya ever forget? Humans were scum. The epitome of humanity was weakness and filth, and even though Izaya fit the definition so well, he was still not one of them because he was different.

Ah, so this was how it was like to be unloved. There had to be others like him who were shunned by society just because they did not conform to the standard set. Like a square peg in a round hole, they had to saw off bits of themselves just to fit in. Even after mutilating themselves to conform, their edges would never be as smooth as the rest of society, the jagged edges proof of their inability to be accepted the way they were. They either chose to do that, cut off the parts of them that made them different, or chose to live without acceptance and love. 

They did not have to do that. Izaya would love everyone. He would love every single human on earth so that no one would have to feel the way he did. 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Koseki touhon: family register in Japan. I checked, there was no way to get a name erased from the koseki. Crossed off because of divorce etc, yes, but not erased.
> 
> This was planned as 'Izaya gets kicked out by his parents' and somehow he told everyone about tucking in detail and got his first bra. Though using the words 'her' and 'penis' in the same sentence had me cringing hard. I'm sorry, trans women of the world.
> 
> Another problem I had was referring to Izaya's parents. Calling them mother and father outside speech was weird. Calling them by their given names was even weirder.
> 
> I know people are way more accepting in 2016, but take note that Izaya attended high school in 2000, making this chapter set in December 1999. Also, Japan is a conservative country. No one parades around with rainbow flags declaring they're anything not cisgender or straight.
> 
> I asked my friends if I came out as genderfluid (I didn't use the term because they didn't understand so I had to explain it), would their opinion of me change? The answer was yes. They were okay with me being bisexual, they would be okay if I came out as transgender, but if I were to switch gender identities frequently, they said they would tell me to "find myself".
> 
> The general consensus (or at least, where I live SOMEWHERE IN ASIA THAT'S NOT JAPAN LOL) is that genderfluid people "cannot make up their mind". Being transgender, while still somewhat taboo, meant that the person knew what they wanted. Genderfluidity was viewed as a phase of sorts, a grey area where the person should choose one side or the other and not "sit on the fence".
> 
> I'm sure things were worse sixteen years ago. Hence, this chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You ought to keep me concealed just like I was a weapon.
> 
> I didn't come for a fight, but I will fight to the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got quite a bit of shit for this story, PMs and comments (okay, one comment), and that's actually why I haven't been on AO3. Because I gave up. Like, why bother if people are just gonna pick apart the entire story? But I know there are people out there who love this story and want to see it continued, and I owe it to them to finish it.
> 
> If you have any problem with the story (or with me in general, because, you know, I'm obviously not allowed to write a story that is so accurate it strikes a nerve in your insecurities), leave a comment. Or, you know, spread it to your friends and have them all bombard my inbox, attempt to track my IP address and send me death threats. Both are fine, really.
> 
> Oh yeah, you know who you are. I DIDN'T COME FOR A FIGHT BUT I WILL FIGHT TO THE END
> 
> Not that I don't accept criticism. But please be polite about it, or at least try to. I've talked to one other person who came across as pretty rude but later I realized that person was just trying to help. Correct me where I'm wrong, and if I'm not wrong and you're just nitpicking then I will ignore you.
> 
> Also, please take note of the tag changes. No trigger warnings because the tags should give you a general idea of what to expect from the fic. If you think you're triggered by anything in this fic, leave. No one's forcing you to read it. Besides, if you watch/read DRRR, you gotta be at least a little fucked in the head IMO. Does the opening love triangle of brother, sister, a literal head, a stalker and a yandere doctor not squick you people in the slightest, yet you get triggered by a realistic representation of gender dysphoria in modern society? Yeah yeah, triggers are specific to people. Refer to tags: Gender Dysphoria. I rest my case. 
> 
> The delay in updates had nothing to do with the release of Fire Emblem Fates, which I defeated on Lunatic Classic (Birthright), the mad rush I made for Normal Casual Conquest and the save file I started for Lunatic Classic Revelations. Nothing. Rubs Jakob's face frantically.
> 
> (Sorry to the people I trade emails with. I lost your emails when my gmail inbox got flooded and I mass deleted everything in a fit of panic. Trying to get them back, but I can't remember your email addresses. I guess the only way to reconnect is to post this chapter and pray that you guys aren't too mad at me.)

Winter came and went, and before Izaya knew it he was in high school. Though Raijin Junior High was technically affiliated with Raijin High, students still had to pass the same examination to enter the school. Izaya, of course, passed with flying colours. Shinra passed too, and they entered Raijin High together. 

Izaya never forgot the boy he met all those months ago. Now that he had officially entered Raijin High, the matter weighed even more heavily on his mind. Standing at the entrance ceremony, his eyes scanned the crowd for that familiar mop of blonde hair. The boy had expressed interest in entering Raijin High, and Izaya could not help but wonder if he made it in.

Then, Izaya spotted him. He wondered how he managed to miss him when he stood half a head taller than most guys, which made his blonde hair stick out like a lighthouse. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets and was shuffling his feet restlessly, giving Izaya the impression that he too was bored by the entrance ceremony.

Shizu-chan, Izaya overheard the girls call him. The suffix -chan made Izaya pause, and when he took a second look at the boy he realized that he was not as masculine as Izaya initially thought. His muscles were lean and while his shoulders were broad, they were not overly so. While Izaya could not remember what his face looked like, besides his chisled jawline Izaya did not remember any other prominently masculine features.

Maybe, just maybe, the boy was like him? Someone who did not conform to the gender norm of males having to be born male and vice versa? Izaya felt his hopes rise, but he pushed it down. Just because two gossiping girls addressed him with the suffix -chan did not mean it had to be anything special. Just because Shizuo alluded to being different did not mean that it was the same difference that Izaya felt.

Izaya slapped himself mentally for jumping to conclusions. That was not how a good information broker worked. He needed to double check his facts before he connected any dots. He made a mental note to dig up information on the boy, faintly wondering why he had not done it sooner.

 

* * *

 

Izaya found out his name from Shinra, of all people. Heiwajima Shizuo. He was apparently Shinra's first friend before junior high and had superhuman strength that allowed him to uproot street signs and hurl a man fifty feet into the air.

It did not take long for Izaya to connect the dots. When Shizuo talked about being different, he was referring to his monstrous strength. Being able to incapacitate a man with a flick of his finger and throw vending machines did make a person stand out. In fact, with all of Izaya's yakuza contacts, he was surprised that he had not heard a word about Heiwajima Shizuo before Shinra told him.

The Blue Squares, apparently, had been beaten up and tossed aside by Shizuo. Even the Awakusu-kai kept an eye on him, making sure that he formed no allegiance with any gang because the moment he did that gang would be nigh unstoppable. His mere presence had the underground scrambling to accommodate him, and yet Izaya had to claw his way through the ranks. 

(And yet, on that snowy day, he handled Izaya with utmost care, never showcasing the monstrous strength that he was so feared for.)

It was unfair. Izaya had been working since junior high to make himself known as a reliable information broker, and this guy was feared for being born the way he was. Better yet, he did not welcome all the attention he got from his power. To have something like that and take it for granted, that guy was the worst.

At the very least, Izaya still remembered what Shizuo said about being different. If he could gain Shizuo's trust by targeting his weak points, maybe he could get the other boy to be an ally.

"What's up, Izaya-kun? You interested in Shizuo-kun or something?" Shinra teased.

Izaya hummed. "You could say that." If he got Shizuo to be an ally, he would gain a lot of respect from the Awakusu-kai executive Kine. That would entice the older man to give Izaya more lucrative jobs, further cementing his place in the underground.

Shinra beamed. "The great Izaya-kun showing an interest in one of his precious humans?"

"It's not that simple," Izaya grumbled. "I just have something of his that I'd like to return, that's all." And exploit his status, but Izaya kept that bit of information to himself.

"Oh? And how did you get your hand on that particular item?"

As always, Shinra was able to look through him. But Izaya pretended to be nonchalant about it and huffed. "You'll see. Introduce him to me so I can get it off my hands."

Shinra raised an eyebrow but did not question him. After school, Shinra brought both Izaya and Shizuo to the school field and introduced them to each other.

It floored Izaya when the first words out of Shizuo's mouth were 'I don't like you'.

Izaya was well aware that he was not a likeable person. His personality left a lot to be desired. Charismatic, yes, but when a person got to know him it was rare that they stayed. Shinra was an exception because he was Shinra, but most normal people started out charmed by him and then realizing that associating with him was a mistake. Never had anyone told him that they did not like him to the face.

Any hopes of forming a friendship with Shizuo died the moment that phrase left his lips. Bitterness stole his heart, and he let his anger get the better of him.

"Hey, Shizu-chan-" Izaya started, but was cut off when Shizuo cut in.

"Huh? Who gave you permission to call me that?" 

Izaya shrugged it off and continued. He reached into his bag and brought out the blazer that Shizuo lent him half a year ago. "Remember this?" Izaya mocked, waving it in his face.

Shizuo seemed to remember, because he gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. "Where did you get that?" he asked softly, his tone cold and unforgiving.

"Kurahashi Kanra." Izaya said in a singsong voice.

It was then that Shizuo snapped. "What did you do to Kanra-san, you bastard?" he roared.

There was something in Izaya's head that told him to tell Shizuo the truth. That he was Kanra, he was the one Shizuo opened his heart and lent the blazer to. But the memories of his father's rage and his mother's disappointment plagued Izaya again, and he pushed the thought aside. 

The moment knew him for who he truly was, he would be pushed away. Better to be hated for a mask than to be hated for his true self. At least with the mask, he could delude himself into thinking that he was hated because of it. The careless façade that humans took to at first glance, not the weak, bumbling fool who could not make a single friend.

Izaya let the bitterness and anger take over and consume any guilt he had, any lingering hopes of forming another human bond extinguished with it.

"Oh, already on a first name basis? My bad, guess I shouldn't have done that to a girl who's taken."

The implications of what Izaya did to Kanra was enough to send Shizuo in a rage. He took a swing at Izaya, who saw it coming and dodged it with ease. Izaya flicked open his switchblade and slashed at Shizuo's chest, causing his shirt to split and a huge wound to form. Blood seeped out of his wound slowly, staining his shirt in the brightest shade of red. 

While Izaya heard of Shizuo's feats, he never expected to see them in real life. Seeing a boy the same age as him uproot and use an entire street sign as a polearm only ignited Izaya's intrigue in him even more. 

No, who was he kidding. Izaya was not interested in Shizuo in the very least. He only wanted to return the blazer to that protozoan.

It was only after the entire chase did Izaya realize that again, he had not returned the blazer. He looked at the offending fabric in his hands, then huffed and slung it over his shoulder. Instinct told him that he would get another chance to talk to Shizuo if he had it.

Izaya did not need Shizuo. In fact, he could just be himself. 'Kurahashi Kanra' was unknown even to the mafia. If Izaya kept his secret well enough, he could use his secret identity against them. It would be punishment to all of humanity for not accepting him for who he is. 

And perhaps it was punishment on himself for losing control of the situation, but Izaya did not dwell on that thought for long. It was unthinkable that he, Orihara Izaya, would inflict punishment onto himself. Humanity was the one who was imperfect for not being able to accept Izaya just because he was different. Humanity was the one who needed to feel the pain it inflicted tenfold.

Not that Izaya was hurt by the outcome of the situation. Just the opposite. He felt glee that his hypothesis of humans being scum was proven yet again. That it was every man for himself, survival of the fittest, that no one truly cared and only used their bonds for their own selfish purposes. Never again would he trust someone. He was better off alone.

 

* * *

"You didn't have to taunt him," Shinra lamented the next day.

Izaya looked away from Shinra to hide the regret lurking in his eyes. It was never his intent to mock the other boy, but it was too late to take back what he said. He would just have to live with the consequences.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dat trust issues. Dayum. 
> 
> I wanna update Unravel next, but I also want to update this just to spite the haters, lol. What should I do?


End file.
